Hard to type this....

I have had a very emotional couple of weeks.  Almost more than I can handle cause everything happened at one time without much good in between!  But there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel!!!!

So this whole healthy lifestyle experience has been interesting to me.  I have learned many things about myself and what I can do with my body and mind.  I know that I can live this lifestyle and lose the weight BUT I haven't really lost much with all the time and energy I have put to it.  I have been frustrated over and over but I haven't given up.  I have been talking to a friend of mine who is a nutritionist and I have been discussing with her my problems and trying to tweak my eating and we got down and dirty and I told her secrets I have never told anyone about my eating.  She told me that there is a condition known as Binge Eating Disorder and I should check it out and get with a doctor. 

I am so embarrassed to type this.  I don't know if I will be able to hit the publish button when I am done.  But I need to be honest with myself and not hide anymore.  I do very well eating good foods and then when I am home alone I make these cookies that have three ingredients, peanut butter, sugar and an egg.  And I eat the whole batch!  Seriously in one sitting!  I will double the batch just so that no one can tell I ate a dozen on my own.  I will hide sweets or sneak some ice cream.  I don't want anyone to get more than me.  Then I feel so awful...I tell myself I will skip lunch or dinner so that my calorie intake won't be as huge.  Calories in, calories out right?!?!  I actually think about calories when I am eating this crap and figure out a way to justify it? At work is the worst...I sit at my desk and eat everything.  I hide food in my desk so that just in case I forget to bring lunch or a snack or something (I never do forget.)  Basically, I hoard it because I might just starve sometime! A lot of the time I forget about what is in my desk drawers but it is still there, like a support of some kind.  When we have food at the office, I can't stay away.  I sneak it when no one is looking.  I eat alone so that no one can see how much I have or what I ate so that when I go back for more, they don't know how many I have had already.  When I go out of town and we run into my favorite things, I have to buy it and I try to save it cause I don't know when I will get it again, but I end up eating it all.  I know I shouldn't, but I do and I feel awful afterwards.  Because in all actuality, it will still be there the next time I visit!  For instance, the fudge in Winthrop. I get really down on myself about not losing weight and my eating habits.  I get mad at myself telling myself I know how to do this, WHY WON'T YOU LET YOURSELF WIN FOR A CHANGE!?!  So my friend and I came up with "because I won't let myself be happy."  If I were to follow through on anything, that would be a good thing.  And for some reason, I think good things don't happen to me.  I sabotage myself and it is easier to feel guilt and remorse than happiness and proud. Happiness and proud are unknown feelings and I don't feel them often other than with my children.  And even then I get upset with myself for feeling proud!  LOL!  It really is a vicious cycle when you lay it all out!

So all of that leads to....I emotionally eat.  When I get stressed, I have snack!  I have to have some sugar or I will die!  Even if I can't find it at the office or at home, I will go and buy it somewhere. And I will eat it all in one sitting.  Like a bag of stupid Halloween candy!!  UGH! 

I have tried to stop.  I have gone a couple weeks without sweets.  But then I can't stand it anymore! 

It is a crazy cycle and I have been this way since I was a child. 

So here I am doing a challenge with Trisha to lose weight which is my ultimate goal.  And I am getting  no where.  But now I know why! And now I understand why I have never gotten anywhere with my weight. 

So for now, I have an appointment to see a doctor.  I am going to start there. My appointment isn't for a couple weeks but I did get recommended a book.  So I ordered it through the library. 

I am afraid of what people will say.  Will they judge?  Will they ridicule? But the thing I am most afraid of right now because of this stupid disorder is will telling people make it hard for me to get my fix?  I am afraid I won't be able to eat that bag of candy!!!  Will I hide food even more now?  Or hopefully with my journaling, it will cause me to more fixated on NOT doing these things to myself.  Maybe I will be more aware and maybe being honest about this will help me start the process of getting better. 

Does anyone have any ideas or pointers on this?  I need all the help I can get! :) Ok I am going to hit publish and see if my world ends.  I will just close my eyes and wait for what comes next. 

Thank you for listening and possibly being the first step in the right direction.