Studying...

So I got myself a book, Overcoming Binge Eating by Dr. Christopher Fairburn.  I have learned a ton from this book about myself!!  And I am now following the steps in the book to overcome this addiction. I am logging my foods, even the bad binges, and putting comments on how I felt and where I ate it.  I am also doing a weekly worksheet on a summary of my weeks.  This will be the tool to let me know when to move on in the program.  They say to log foods for 3-4 days to see where and when the binges occur.  Then I move onto setting up a scheduled eating plan which means I only eat at certain times to get my brain functioning to normal eating habits. This will be hard for me because I am a huge snacker.  I got into dieting all the time, I told myself I could eat 1200 calories a day, and so I would just snack my 1200 calories all day!  Cause as long as I stayed under 1200, I was good.  It didn't matter to me how or what I ate.  Well then of course, I wouldn't count everything because of guilt...so the calories in and calories obviously didn't work for me.  I know it COULD work for me!  If I did it right! LOL!  And I work my battooty off exercising!!!  My frustration would only lead me to indulge in something yummy sweet!!! 

The book says that the first thing to do is NOT TO DIET! Which makes sense to me because when you binge, your not dieting anyways.  I am just making myself feel more guilty and my self esteem level zooms down to the lowest.  So I am not dieting.  But I know what makes a healthy day with food.  So I have a plan...I eat breakfast at 8:00, (which I do everyday anyway) have a mid morning snack at 10:30(which I want to be a fruit) and then lunch at 12:30 which will have a vegetable, and then a afternoon snack at 3:30 of a fruit and a dairy and then dinner 7:00 and then a evening snack if needed.  I do want to stay away from the evening snack or maybe just have it consist of tea or something.  I go to bed early every night, so it shouldn't be too hard! :)

So I found 16 steps that I have printed and I look at often.  I have crossed out the things I have done already and wrote little notes afterwards! :) 

1. Tell someone. Even if only one person knows about your disorder, at least you will no longer be alone in your struggle.
2. Seek out treatment and therapy. Enroll in an eating disorder treatment facility or attend therapy session. Be willing to learn and make yourself vulnerable.
3. Carry limited amounts of food at home. Although this may be more of a hassle, it will limit temptations at home. I don't binge too often at home because we don't have the bad foods there! And it is harder to binge in front of my family.
4. Relax. Set aside time to enjoy life and take part in a fun activity.
5. Forgive yourself. You can’t change the past, you can only learn from your mistakes.
6. Exercise. Plan out an appropriate exercise program you will desire to maintain.
7. Determine the causes and triggers of your disorder. By doing this you can then take steps to prevent further binges. Working on this!
8. Eat breakfast daily. Those who do not regularly eat breakfast are more prone to binging and eating high calorie meals later in the day.
9. Share your concerns with friends and family. Never isolate yourself. Working on this!
10. Take adequate nutrients. If you do not consume enough nutrients for your body, consider taking vitamin and mineral supplements.
11. Find self-help books. These books will encourage you and often offer helpful advice, especially if they are centered on binge eating. Although I would love to find more GOOD ones!
12. Attend a support group. Knowing that others struggle with the same problems may relieve stress. I don't think I could do this...
13. Talk with a nutritionist. He or she can help you set up an appropriate meal plan.
14. Write in a journal. This may help especially when you have the urge to binge eat. In progress
15. Do not diet. Fad diets rarely help for long periods of time and very strict diet plans may only make your disorder worse.
16. Love yourself for who you are, not what you look like. In progress

Day 2

So last night was the first night in a long time that I didn't feel guilty about eating dinner because I didn't really binge to bad yesterday!  I was actually starving at dinner time!  Maybe not starving but I was HUNGRY! :)

This morning I feel pretty good for the most part.  I almost wasn't going to get out my journal and do like I usually do and say oh, I will be good and not eat anything bad and stay within my calorie intake. But no, I know that is a lie!!!  So I got out my book and wrote down my breakfast, which is a yummy breakfast scramble my husband made for dinner last night! And I wrote down my feelings as well.  Eating beacause it is breakfast time and because I don't want to over eat later. 

It should be interesting to knowingly go throughout my days with this lingering in my head.  I had a bad nights sleep due to the little one being up a lot.  On these kinds of days, I normally binge on candy and even just typing that makes me want to go buy a bag!!  Isn't that crazy! So now I have to try and focus on something different!!!  LOL! 

So I did the 20 minute express Zumba and the Abs DVD yesterday.  My lower back muscles are sooo sore today!!  And my sides, I think those are the obliques right?  Goodness!! 

Here's to a good day folks...thank you for being kind and than you Trisha for sharing!!!  It is crazy how much we have in common. :)

Hard to type this....

I have had a very emotional couple of weeks.  Almost more than I can handle cause everything happened at one time without much good in between!  But there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel!!!!

So this whole healthy lifestyle experience has been interesting to me.  I have learned many things about myself and what I can do with my body and mind.  I know that I can live this lifestyle and lose the weight BUT I haven't really lost much with all the time and energy I have put to it.  I have been frustrated over and over but I haven't given up.  I have been talking to a friend of mine who is a nutritionist and I have been discussing with her my problems and trying to tweak my eating and we got down and dirty and I told her secrets I have never told anyone about my eating.  She told me that there is a condition known as Binge Eating Disorder and I should check it out and get with a doctor. 

I am so embarrassed to type this.  I don't know if I will be able to hit the publish button when I am done.  But I need to be honest with myself and not hide anymore.  I do very well eating good foods and then when I am home alone I make these cookies that have three ingredients, peanut butter, sugar and an egg.  And I eat the whole batch!  Seriously in one sitting!  I will double the batch just so that no one can tell I ate a dozen on my own.  I will hide sweets or sneak some ice cream.  I don't want anyone to get more than me.  Then I feel so awful...I tell myself I will skip lunch or dinner so that my calorie intake won't be as huge.  Calories in, calories out right?!?!  I actually think about calories when I am eating this crap and figure out a way to justify it? At work is the worst...I sit at my desk and eat everything.  I hide food in my desk so that just in case I forget to bring lunch or a snack or something (I never do forget.)  Basically, I hoard it because I might just starve sometime! A lot of the time I forget about what is in my desk drawers but it is still there, like a support of some kind.  When we have food at the office, I can't stay away.  I sneak it when no one is looking.  I eat alone so that no one can see how much I have or what I ate so that when I go back for more, they don't know how many I have had already.  When I go out of town and we run into my favorite things, I have to buy it and I try to save it cause I don't know when I will get it again, but I end up eating it all.  I know I shouldn't, but I do and I feel awful afterwards.  Because in all actuality, it will still be there the next time I visit!  For instance, the fudge in Winthrop. I get really down on myself about not losing weight and my eating habits.  I get mad at myself telling myself I know how to do this, WHY WON'T YOU LET YOURSELF WIN FOR A CHANGE!?!  So my friend and I came up with "because I won't let myself be happy."  If I were to follow through on anything, that would be a good thing.  And for some reason, I think good things don't happen to me.  I sabotage myself and it is easier to feel guilt and remorse than happiness and proud. Happiness and proud are unknown feelings and I don't feel them often other than with my children.  And even then I get upset with myself for feeling proud!  LOL!  It really is a vicious cycle when you lay it all out!

So all of that leads to....I emotionally eat.  When I get stressed, I have snack!  I have to have some sugar or I will die!  Even if I can't find it at the office or at home, I will go and buy it somewhere. And I will eat it all in one sitting.  Like a bag of stupid Halloween candy!!  UGH! 

I have tried to stop.  I have gone a couple weeks without sweets.  But then I can't stand it anymore! 

It is a crazy cycle and I have been this way since I was a child. 

So here I am doing a challenge with Trisha to lose weight which is my ultimate goal.  And I am getting  no where.  But now I know why! And now I understand why I have never gotten anywhere with my weight. 

So for now, I have an appointment to see a doctor.  I am going to start there. My appointment isn't for a couple weeks but I did get recommended a book.  So I ordered it through the library. 

I am afraid of what people will say.  Will they judge?  Will they ridicule? But the thing I am most afraid of right now because of this stupid disorder is will telling people make it hard for me to get my fix?  I am afraid I won't be able to eat that bag of candy!!!  Will I hide food even more now?  Or hopefully with my journaling, it will cause me to more fixated on NOT doing these things to myself.  Maybe I will be more aware and maybe being honest about this will help me start the process of getting better. 

Does anyone have any ideas or pointers on this?  I need all the help I can get! :) Ok I am going to hit publish and see if my world ends.  I will just close my eyes and wait for what comes next. 

Thank you for listening and possibly being the first step in the right direction.