Day 2

So last night was the first night in a long time that I didn't feel guilty about eating dinner because I didn't really binge to bad yesterday!  I was actually starving at dinner time!  Maybe not starving but I was HUNGRY! :)

This morning I feel pretty good for the most part.  I almost wasn't going to get out my journal and do like I usually do and say oh, I will be good and not eat anything bad and stay within my calorie intake. But no, I know that is a lie!!!  So I got out my book and wrote down my breakfast, which is a yummy breakfast scramble my husband made for dinner last night! And I wrote down my feelings as well.  Eating beacause it is breakfast time and because I don't want to over eat later. 

It should be interesting to knowingly go throughout my days with this lingering in my head.  I had a bad nights sleep due to the little one being up a lot.  On these kinds of days, I normally binge on candy and even just typing that makes me want to go buy a bag!!  Isn't that crazy! So now I have to try and focus on something different!!!  LOL! 

So I did the 20 minute express Zumba and the Abs DVD yesterday.  My lower back muscles are sooo sore today!!  And my sides, I think those are the obliques right?  Goodness!! 

Here's to a good day folks...thank you for being kind and than you Trisha for sharing!!!  It is crazy how much we have in common. :)

Hard to type this....

I have had a very emotional couple of weeks.  Almost more than I can handle cause everything happened at one time without much good in between!  But there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel!!!!

So this whole healthy lifestyle experience has been interesting to me.  I have learned many things about myself and what I can do with my body and mind.  I know that I can live this lifestyle and lose the weight BUT I haven't really lost much with all the time and energy I have put to it.  I have been frustrated over and over but I haven't given up.  I have been talking to a friend of mine who is a nutritionist and I have been discussing with her my problems and trying to tweak my eating and we got down and dirty and I told her secrets I have never told anyone about my eating.  She told me that there is a condition known as Binge Eating Disorder and I should check it out and get with a doctor. 

I am so embarrassed to type this.  I don't know if I will be able to hit the publish button when I am done.  But I need to be honest with myself and not hide anymore.  I do very well eating good foods and then when I am home alone I make these cookies that have three ingredients, peanut butter, sugar and an egg.  And I eat the whole batch!  Seriously in one sitting!  I will double the batch just so that no one can tell I ate a dozen on my own.  I will hide sweets or sneak some ice cream.  I don't want anyone to get more than me.  Then I feel so awful...I tell myself I will skip lunch or dinner so that my calorie intake won't be as huge.  Calories in, calories out right?!?!  I actually think about calories when I am eating this crap and figure out a way to justify it? At work is the worst...I sit at my desk and eat everything.  I hide food in my desk so that just in case I forget to bring lunch or a snack or something (I never do forget.)  Basically, I hoard it because I might just starve sometime! A lot of the time I forget about what is in my desk drawers but it is still there, like a support of some kind.  When we have food at the office, I can't stay away.  I sneak it when no one is looking.  I eat alone so that no one can see how much I have or what I ate so that when I go back for more, they don't know how many I have had already.  When I go out of town and we run into my favorite things, I have to buy it and I try to save it cause I don't know when I will get it again, but I end up eating it all.  I know I shouldn't, but I do and I feel awful afterwards.  Because in all actuality, it will still be there the next time I visit!  For instance, the fudge in Winthrop. I get really down on myself about not losing weight and my eating habits.  I get mad at myself telling myself I know how to do this, WHY WON'T YOU LET YOURSELF WIN FOR A CHANGE!?!  So my friend and I came up with "because I won't let myself be happy."  If I were to follow through on anything, that would be a good thing.  And for some reason, I think good things don't happen to me.  I sabotage myself and it is easier to feel guilt and remorse than happiness and proud. Happiness and proud are unknown feelings and I don't feel them often other than with my children.  And even then I get upset with myself for feeling proud!  LOL!  It really is a vicious cycle when you lay it all out!

So all of that leads to....I emotionally eat.  When I get stressed, I have snack!  I have to have some sugar or I will die!  Even if I can't find it at the office or at home, I will go and buy it somewhere. And I will eat it all in one sitting.  Like a bag of stupid Halloween candy!!  UGH! 

I have tried to stop.  I have gone a couple weeks without sweets.  But then I can't stand it anymore! 

It is a crazy cycle and I have been this way since I was a child. 

So here I am doing a challenge with Trisha to lose weight which is my ultimate goal.  And I am getting  no where.  But now I know why! And now I understand why I have never gotten anywhere with my weight. 

So for now, I have an appointment to see a doctor.  I am going to start there. My appointment isn't for a couple weeks but I did get recommended a book.  So I ordered it through the library. 

I am afraid of what people will say.  Will they judge?  Will they ridicule? But the thing I am most afraid of right now because of this stupid disorder is will telling people make it hard for me to get my fix?  I am afraid I won't be able to eat that bag of candy!!!  Will I hide food even more now?  Or hopefully with my journaling, it will cause me to more fixated on NOT doing these things to myself.  Maybe I will be more aware and maybe being honest about this will help me start the process of getting better. 

Does anyone have any ideas or pointers on this?  I need all the help I can get! :) Ok I am going to hit publish and see if my world ends.  I will just close my eyes and wait for what comes next. 

Thank you for listening and possibly being the first step in the right direction. 

I could Zumba my days away!

I got up this morning at 3:12 to let the dogs out 3:50 to feed baby and figured I might as well stay up cause my alarm is going to go off at 4:12.  So I got up started the coffee and got dressed in workout clothes.  My husband gets up and I am like "what are you doing up?" He says he wants to spend time with me, so I told him to get his shoes on!!! So since he hasn't had a chance to try this yet, I was nice and put the basics on and he learned the moves until baby boy woke up again.  He was such a trooper!!!  It was a blast with him!!! Although he didn't think he could do it and says that he may just jog on the treadmill while I do this Zumba stuff!  LOL!  :) 

So my lunchtime workout is again Zumba cause I love the way it makes me feel mentally and physically! And I need the energy cause it is date night!  No going to bed at 7 tonight! ;)

Shake your money maker!

Oh my goodness is Zumba fun!  I was shaking my thang for all it was worth and my thighs are a bit sore today!  I did it on my lunch hour yesterday and it was a blast! I am going to try to do it again today at lunch if I get a lunch hour.  I may be the only secretary at lunch time so I may not get to take a lunch.  So that would mean I would try and fit it in tonight! :)

I wish I could Zumba all day! LOL!  It brightened my mood and made the rest of the day so much better!  It gave me the energy to make good choices and energy to be with my family last night.  Maybe I will just practice my moves at the copy machine! :) 

Shake My Grove Thang!

ZUMBA!!!!

I AM GOING TO SHAKE IT TONIGHT!!!! And the best thing...my family is going to do it with me! It is going to be so much fun! I am so excited! I can't wait to see my husband attempt this!!! LOL!! 

I have the older version with the little sticks.  I can't wait to get the moves down.  I was supposed to go with Trisha today and do a class, but my co-worker is out sick and my boss is gone, so I was left alone here to man the phones and the front counter.  I AM SO BUMMED! I so badly want to do an actual class, but maybe some other time. There is a Zumba party this weekend so I may see if I can go.

I am on a roller coaster ride with weight.  But I can't get discourage.  I can do this and I will...

Stay tuned for my interpretation of ZUMBA!

Bummed...

So I walked to the track today at lunch to see about some jogging.  I got my inhaler for EIA (exercise induced asthma) and was all set.  I haven't jogged much since the race because of pain in my legs when I run.  So I was all stoked to get going! 

I couldn't.  I got there in about 10 minutes and walked a lap and a half for a warm up.  I stretched first too.  Then I went to jog and IT HURT SO BAD! From my ankles to my knees! I was so disappointed!  It doesn't hurt to walk so why is it hurting when I jog?! UGH.  I was getting frustrated and about to just go back to the office, but I didn't.  I did a long walk for the rest of the hour I had.  I walked fast and strong! Just because I can't jog, doesn't mean I can't exercise right?!

Just makes it even more exciting for my Zumba DVD's to get here!!!  :) 

Mental Hurdles

How long is the race of mental hurdles?

During my course of healthy living, I have stumbled across a lot of things I didn't know about myself. 

1. I like me!
2. I like to walk!
3. I like to hike!
4. I am my own worst enemy!
5. I am smart!
6. I talk myself down!
7. I point out my own negativity's!
8. I tell myself I can't!
9. I have muscle!
10. I talk to myself a lot!

My first major hurdle I need to overcome is me.  I was walking on the treadmill this weekend and was reflecting on what I have done over the week.  Not much.  And then I thought why?  Because I was feeling really down about jogging.  The way I feel after I jog and how I want to like to do it but my legs won't let me. I would rather walk. Fast! LOL!  So then after a mile of walking fast, my legs felt loose and I thought, maybe I need to walk a mile before I can jog? It seems like such a lot of time to take to warm up to jog, but I guess if that is what I want to do, then I have to do it.  Then I thought, I don't want to.  I like to walk. I could walk all day long!!  So instead of quiting like I would have done before because I couldn't do something, I am going to do what I CAN do and go from there.  I need to stop putting myself down!!  I'm telling you, it is horrible the things I think!  So then when someone pays a compliment to me, I have taught myself not to believe them.  Because, how could I possibly be what they see?  They can't possibly believe what they are saying, they are just being nice.  Now, how is thinking like that going to do me any good?  I need to feel good about me!  In order to make change physically, I need to change this inside crap! 

So after 2 miles, I thought "how do I change the inside crap?"  Still looking for the answer...but I am going to take it one day at a time.  First, I am going to look in the mirror in the morning and pick out something I do like about me and say it out loud.  And believe it! Does that sound like a good start??

I have read on many healthy lifestyle changing blogs about their mental hurdles about what they thought of themselves.  I didn't really pay any attention to how I was treating myself at the time.  I kept thinking as I read, how silly they were because they are beautiful women! 

So on my last mile on the treadmill, I saw a show on MTV "I used to be fat."  It was actually a pretty good show.  It seems to me that most people going through changes like I am going through go through this mental ickiness.  But by conquering their fears and moving past their comfort zones, they get to this better place. 

Does that really happen?  Will I get to that better place?  And when? 

Weigh in and decluttering!

So I just weighed in on the challenge blog. I have lost a pound to bring me to 184. 

My weekend was great!  I finished my 5K in 41 minutes, and I jogged a good portion of it.  I went at it alone but I had Trisha in my sights the whole way.  Everyone was so nice!!!  Next year, I am jogging the whole thing! I was sore for the next three days!  My shins felt like the bone was bruised and I couldn't even touch my them!!  My ankles were sore and couldn't twist them around.  I made sure before the race that I stretched out really good in those areas because I knew doing my mock run that they would hurt.  I think, well I know, that I need to work on form and breathing.  I mentioned in the other blog that I had EIA (exercise induced asthma) before, and I know it doesn't just go away but I haven't had to use an inhaler for many years. Course I don't think I have ever done anything this intense for quite sometime! But I had the wheezes for that night and the next day.  I am seeing about a refill on my inhaler! See how that helps my endurance!

Yesterday, I did my lunchtime workout and went to the bleachers and then for a long walk.  My thighs are feeling it today!

Tomorrow is my daughters Jog A Thon and I am going to see about doing a couple laps with her!  We shall see, she is pretty quick! 

I haven't written down my food the last couple of days.  But I haven't went over 1300 calories because I eat the same things everyday!  ;)  Tonight is NOT leftover night, so I am tracking today.

I am going through a phase where I need to declutter, everything.  I want to simplify my life a tad bit.  So at home I have boxes that I am going to go through each room and see what I can throw away and/or donate and/or store in storage.  Our house is small and we don't have any extra space and I feel cramped!  I also need to give my jeep a good cleaning on the inside.  And I am going to work on my procrastination.  I think that goes hand in hand in decluttering!  :)